Inside me was his heart and my heart just fell on the ground when I heard my partner saying, “I’m so excited”. However, I was also on top of my fear about what could be the reaction of my parents. I quit school and chose life outside the normal society, had a couple of tattoos, and joined networking than finishing school.

Charles and I were neither the perfect couple nor the sweetest. We didn't take our relationship with material things nor love surprising each other. We tried different things like extreme sports, traveling, drinking sessions, tattoo session, jamming, he played the guitar while we smoked dope, watched sunsets and gazed stars together. We enjoyed ourselves at the beach which we considered our comfort zone where fresh air, fishes, corals, wild space and Pale Pilsen (beer) were between the two of us.

I love him like I have learned to love myself and to be a family was part of my dream. It was hard for both of us to face such huge responsibility. He tried to work in preparation for my delivery but money was not an easy thing. Delivering a child was harder than I ever thought! I guess you’ll never know how painful it is until you’re in that moment. It was like a part of you was taken away but a better one had to come.

I did not succeed delivering my baby normally and I had to be cut so he could be out. Though I was out of my mind, somehow I heard his first cry and seeing him suddenly made me feel an unmeasurable happiness, great joy and contentment. But not until when Charles did not come home again. Suddenly he was out of our sight and the last thing I had was his letter.

I am torn and nowhere to be found. I am picking up the pieces of me to be whole again for my child. Wishing…(to be continued when the right time comes)